002 :: Boobie Monster

Wow, I thought it was horrible having a lesion on my inner thighs or my butt cheeks, How wrong I was. At least with lesions in those areas I could attempt to control some of the pain by cupping the lesion when sitting down, laying down, etc to position myself where it won't hurt so much. 

Right now, I'm sitting here with a lesion on my breast that feels about the size of a walnut in its shell, brand new, welcomed itself onto my body within the last 24 hours and insane inflammation. It's so red and I can feel the heat coming off it when I hold my hand 1cm away from the skin. 

I can feel the full weight of my breast taunting the lesion, it hurts. It really freaking hurts. I seriously feel like going to the kitchen, grabbing a knife, and cutting the lesion out myself. But it's only just the beginning. It's still only a red lump, all I can do is wait for it to fill up with that disgusting smelling putrid pus, and for the skin over top of the lesion to thin out so it can finally be drained, or pop itself. 

There is just nothing.. I.. can.. do. It's not fair, to have to feel this powerless to my own body. How am I supposed to live a normal life, when there are days that I can't even wear a bra, or underwear. I don't like going out in public without a bra or underwear on, but with booked appointments for things such as centrelink, job service provider, and others; I'm forced to. I'm forced to throw on a bra or underwear, that rubs against and irritates any lesions I have. I'm forced to be out in public, walking, moving around like a "normal" person, whilst I have up to several lesions at once causing me grief. I'm forced to keep a straight face, and keep it concealed from those I come in contact with that I'm in freaking pain. 

There is only a handful of people in my personal life that know about my HS, Only about 2-3 of my friends. I haven't told my family. It's not easy to. It's not exactly something you want the world to know. Not to mention, it gets hard to tell someone when you all of a sudden break down crying. Maybe some day I'll have the guts to tell them, but I highly doubt it. It's not easy having to hide it all in the back of my mind, and not have many people to talk to about it, but it sure beats having to open up to family and friends that I have this disgusting son of a bitch disease.

I'm getting away from what I logged on to vent about, and this further thinking is well, the tears are starting. Only really wanted to bitch about this lesion giving me grief, and the lack of options I have to help ease the pain. I can't support it with bandaids, dressings etc. I can't "cup" the lesion 24/7 especially in public or I'll look like a perve. I can't even take panadeine forte, as it doesnt do anything for the pain. All I can do is wait and come here to whinge.